Guilt & Shame: The Annoying Smoke Alarm Beeping of the Soul
Beep.
[Thirty seconds go by.]
Beep.
[My loose grip on sanity starts to unwind.]
Beep.
[My home is no longer a safe place. I leave to go buy replacement smoke detectors after new batteries do nothing to solve the problem.]
I am deeply humbled and embarrassed that such a little thing could have such a deep and profound effect on my mood. Only hours later, after some time reading and praying in a coffee shop, do I even resemble a functioning adult.
I cannot even begin to praise the Lord for my saint of a wife enduring the annoying sound while watching our toddler. She has been a lifeline and breath of fresh air in every way. I have no idea what I would have done if she wasn’t there for me in my silly moment of existential crisis.
Yet, I wonder if there’s something deeper to learn about ourselves here. I wonder if there’s a spiritual beeping or ringing in our ears. I wonder if many of us remain so busy, so overscheduled to avoid that haunting feeling of silence. If we slowed down, we might hear our inner guilt or shame whispering that we aren’t enough.
Enough. That’s a brutal word. Have you ever felt like you weren’t a good enough spouse? Good enough parent? Good enough employee? Good enough student? Good enough Christian? Good enough friend? Good enough for anything or anyone?
I confess that I spend three or four times as much time preaching to myself each week than I do any given Sunday. You see, even pastors really need the gospel. Many days I am not much better adjusted spiritually or emotionally than anyone else. Yet, even in the midst of maddening beeping (literal or spiritual), I can find brief moments of hope and peace.
As I sit listening to Psalm 103 over and over again, I am struck by the reality that my heart and soul need a constant reminder: “praise the Lord, O my Soul.” When things aren’t going my way, when silly little superficial annoyances disrupt the deep shalom (Hebrew for “peace”) of God that’s meant to dwell within me, when I feel like a failure and not even close to enough, I fall back on praising God’s grace. His grace “pulls me up from the pit.”
So, my prayer for all of us is that we lean on the Lord’s grace and not anything else. I also pray that my neighbor helps me install these smoke detectors right. Pray for me. Please let me know how I can pray for you. Amen.
